New Company Policies

BUSINESS MATTERS (BEYOND THE BOTTOM LINE)
By Francis J. Kong

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: THE MANAGEMENT
SUBJECT: NEW COMPANY POLICIES

*A. Dress Code*
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a
raise.

*B. Sick Days*
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

*C. Personal Days*
Each employee will receive 52 personal days a year. They are called Sundays.

*D. Toilet Use*
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders? Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company mental
health policy.

*F. Lunch Break*
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get five minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. For your immediate compliance.

Health - Important Tips

Answer the phone by LEFT ear
Do not drink coffee TWICE a day
Do not take pills with COOL water
Do not have HUGE meals after 5pm
Reduce the amount of OILY food you consume
Drink more WATER in the morning, less at night
Keep your distance from hand phone CHARGERS
Do not use headphones/earphone for LONG period of time
Best sleeping time is from 10pm at night to 6am in the morning
Do not lie down immediately after taking medicine before sleeping
When battery is down to the LAST grid/bar, do not answer the phone as the radiation is 1000 times

Cool Magic in Microsoft

MAGIC #1

An Indian discovered that nobody can create a FOLDER anywhere on the Computer which can be named as "CON". This is something pretty
Cool...and Unbelievable.... At Microsoft the whole Team, couldn't answer why this
happened!
TRY IT NOW ,IT WILL NOT CREATE " CON " FOLDER

MAGIC #2

For those of you using Windows, do the following:

1.) Open an empty notepad file
2.) Type "Bush hid the facts" (without the quotes)
3.) Save it as whatever you want.
4.) Close it, and re-open it.

is it just a really weird bug? :-??

MAGIC #3

Microsoft crazy facts

This is something pretty cool and neat...and unbelievable... At
Microsoft
the whole Team, including Bill Gates, couldn't answer why this happened!

It was discovered by a Brazilian. Try it out yourself...

Open Microsoft Word and type

=rand (200, 99)

And then press ENTER

Then see the magic...............................

Mangatawa sa ta!

Dear Anak,

Nido na lang ang ipa dala sa amo sa sunod nimong pagpadala nga groceries. Nagkalibanga si Tatay mo nianing Nivea Cream Milk.

Nanay

Sulat balos ni Nanay kang Ate , OFW sa Japan :

Dear Anak,

Sa sunod ayaw nami padad-i aning green nga totpaste... nakahilak sa kahalang si Tatay nimo. Dili kuno niya type ang brand WASABE.

Salamat,
Nanay

PANGHIMANGNO sa mga tao nga
Dili mokaon ug tambok
Dili manigarilyo
Dili mobilar ug
Dili moinom ug bino.
Usa ka adlaw mawad-an rakag mga higala,
Buhi paka,
Patay na sila tanan!

Food for the rich - SUTOKIL (SUgba, TOla, KIniLaw)
Food for the poor - GIPUSIL (GInamos, PUs o, SILi)
Food for the very poor - GITUOK (GInamos , giTUntungan
sa OK-OK!!)

Anak : Tay , di ko katulog, daghang lamok.
Tatay : Palungon nato mga suga aron di ta makit-an
(Pagpalong sa suga, nanggawas mga aninipot)
Anak : Hala tay! Nagdala silag flashlayt !!!

FAMILY QUARREL :
Husband : Pastilan sige ta ug away; magbuwag ta !
Wife : Sige! Ato bahinon atong anak!
Husband: Ako ang gwapo ug gwapa!
Wife : Nah! Gipili pa gyod ang dili iya!

PANAWAGAN SA RADIO :
Mrs : Sir, pwede ko manawag sa akong bana sa radyo, gidala among lima ka anak
Announcer : Go ahead, Mrs.
Mrs : Hoy, amaw! I-uli ang mga bata! Usa ra imo ana!
Bagag nawong !

Mekaniko : Sir, hindi ko po naayos ang preno ng kotse niyo
Customer : Paano na yon ?
Mekaniko : Nilakasan ko naman po ang inyong bu sina!

Empleyado : Boss, namatay diay atong manager, pwede ba ako nalang
mopuli sa iyang pwesto ?
Boss : Pwde man, pero ambot kaha ug mosugot ang funeraria.

Conduktor : Sibog-sibog gamay kay mularga na ta.
Kanang imong anak, 'Noy, saBAKA lang na.
Amahan : Nabuang na! Nisakay gani mi kay nagdali unya sa BAKA na hinuon nimo pasakyon akong anak ?!!!

GUESTS ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS SA USA KA EVENT PROGRAM:
Organizer : Paki acknowledge si Mayor, late na dumating .. ayon, kararaan lang.
EMCEE : I would like to acknowledge the arrival of the late mayor who just passed away .

DONYA : Kay bago man ka dinhi, gusto ko masayod ka nga ang pamahaw diri alas sais impunto!
MAID : Way problema Nyora! Kung tulog pa ko anang orasa, una nalang mo ug ka-on!!

DENTIST : We have to stop seeing each oder, halata na tayo ng Mister mo!
GIRL : But we love each other !
DENTIST : Oo, but we're running out of excuses! ISA NA
LANG NGIPIN MO!!

PATIENTE: Dok, ngano gasakit man akong dughan kada inom nako ug coke? Pero kung libre, dili lagi mosakit?
DOK : Ah, kabalo nako ana. Nipis imong baga, pero baga imong nawong !!!

BOY : Sir, apply unta ko pagka-boy.
AMO : Sige, bahugan nimo ang iro kada buntag ug hotdog, corn beef ug chorizo
BOY : Kining Sir, apply nalang ko pagka-iro aw! aw!

GUEST to Motel Receptionist: Tagpila room ninyo diri?
RECEPTIONIST : Depende Sir, Special or Deluxe na room ?
GUEST : Unsa man kalainan ?
RECEPTIONIST : Special, naay masahista ug TV. Ang Deluxe, naay TB ang masahista!!

The Benefits of Sex

Did you know that we can determine if a person is sexually active or not by looking at her skin?

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests have shown that a woman who has sexual relations produces big amounts of estrogen which makes hair shiny and soft.

2. To make love in soft and relaxed way reduces the possibilities of suffering from dermatitis and acne. The sweat produced cleans pores and makes the skin shine.

3. To make love allows to burn all the calories accumulate is this romantic love scene.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports. It strengthens and tones all body muscles. It is more enjoyable than doing 20 lapses in the pool. And you don't need special shoes!

5. Sex is an instantaneous cure against depression. It frees endorphins in the blood flow, creating a state of euphoria and leaves us with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more we make love, the more we have the capacity to do more. A body sexually active releases a higher amount of pheromone. This subtle aroma excites the opposite sex!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFICIENT THAN VALIUM.

8. To kiss everyday allows avoiding the dentist. Kisses aid saliva in cleaning teeth and lower the quantity of acids causing enamel weakening.

9. Sex relieves headaches. Each time we make love, it releases the tension in brain veins.

10. To make love a lot can heal a nasal congestion. Sex is a natural antihistaminic. It helps fight asthma and spring allergies.

Just for laughs

Two men
met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st:
Forget mine.
Lets find yours!!
**********
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
**********

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
**********
Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means ,
"With Idiot For Ever!!!"

**********
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic
is when both are pregnant.
**********
Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.
**********
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs ???
No, I work in a condom factory & these are
customer complaints.

**********
Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, I'm confident. Your friend is also my son, that's confidential!
**********
Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Mother Faints... --

**********

Sand and stone

Two friends were walking through the desert.
During some point of their journey,
They had an argument;
And one friend slapped the other in the face…

The one who got slapped was hurt
But without saying anything, wrote in the sand:
“Today, my best friends slapped me in the face.”

They kept on walking until they found an oasis,
Where they decided to take a bath.
The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire
And started drowning, but the friend saved him.

After he recovered from the near drowning,
He wrote on a stone:
“Today, my best friend saved my life.”

The friend who slapped and saved him asked,
“After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now,
you write on a stone…Why?”

He replied,
When someone hurts us, we should write it down in sand,
Where winds of forgiveness can erase it away.
But, when someone does something good for us,
We must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it.”

Don't under estimate the POWER of a WOMAN!

Marriage (Part I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)

************************************************
Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells,"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

************************************************
Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early? Doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

************************************************
Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

************************************************
THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

He who laughs, lasts! - Birthday Surprise

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I
passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed
delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he
returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go
(Putt, Putt - loud noise in DTS). It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood
mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells
signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of inocence when my husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!! !!!!!!!!!

HIGH TECH! (Funny Pinoy)

Three men, Singaporean, Japanese and Filipino were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. the Singaporean pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager" he said,"i have a micro hip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he expained, "that was my mobile phone. I have a micro
chip in my hand."

The Filipino felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

The Filipino finally ! Said......."ay dios mio, will you look at that?! I'm getting a fax..."

To those who are married, not married and soon to be married.

MARRIAGE

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day
with Dew.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank, blah..blah.. blah. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.

"I will keep a smile on my face and in my heart even when it hurts today. I know that the world is a looking glass and gives back to me the reflection of my own soul. Now I understand the secret of correcting the attitude of others and that is to correct my own."

A Drunk's Story

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says....................
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk"

Ano Ang Dapat Gawin Kung Tinatamad Kang Magtrabaho?

Sa buhay empleyado merong dalawang pagpipilian kung tinatamad kang
magtrabaho.

A. Una ay umabsent.

1. Kapag umiikot na kaagad sa katawan mo ang katamaran pagkagising pa lang sa umaga ay mag-isip ka na kaagad ng palusot kung bakit ka aabsent. Paalala: dapat ay memoryado mo ang mga dahilang nagamit mo na dati (tip: gumawa ng isang logbook) ng sa gayon ay hindi ka parang sirang plakang nag-uulit lang lagi ng rason ng di pagpasok. Alalahanin na tuso din ang mga bossing.

2. Kapag nakaisip ka na ng magandang dahilan ay agad mag-text o tumawag sa bossing mo, the earlier the better. Kung ayaw mo ng madaming tanong e mag-text ka at kung nais mo namang tumawag ay siguraduhin mong magaling kang umarte kagaya ng kung ikaw ay kunwaring me sakit ay umubo ka ng paunti-unti habang kinakausap ang bossing mo.

3. Matapos mag-text/tumawag ay bumalik sa higaan at magplano ka na ng gusto mong gawin sa buong araw. Malaking posibilidad na magtutulog ka lang buong araw. Sya nga pala, kapag tumawag ang opisina sa kalagitnaan ng araw, laging tandaan ang rasong ginamit (consistent ka dapat), maaari namang i-off mo na lang ang phone mo para hindi ka maistorbo buong araw.

BABALA: Siguraduhing regular ka na sa kumpanyang pinagtratrabahuhan
kung ikaw ay mag-aabsent.

B. Pangalawa ay pumasok

Eto ang dapat gawin ng mga empleyado kapag tinatamad magtrabaho pero ayaw umabsent. Ang mga taong ito ay nuknukan ng kapal ng mukha. Ang mga sumusunod na instructions ay napakasimple pero effective. Meron ding oras na nakatakda, magsisismula ng alas ocho ng umaga at magtatapos ng alas singko ng hapon.

1. Pumasok ng sakto sa oras. Huwag kang male-late at huwag ka din namang excited masyado. 8:00

2. Pagdating mo sa opisina ay ilapag mo lang kaagad ang gamit mo sa lamesa at magtungo kaagad sa pantry. Magtimpla ng kape o kung anuman ang iniinom mo pag umaga. Habang nasa
loob ay makipag-usap sa mga tao doon, patagalin mo ang usapan (tip: pag-usapan ang mga headline ngayong araw o mga nangyari kahapon sa loob ng opisina). Kung walang tao sa pantry ay mag-yaya ka ng kasama bago pa man pumasok doon. 8:00-8:30

3. Matapos sa pantry ay magtungo na sa lamesa mo dala-dala pa din ang kape, ito ay para hindi ka antukin buong araw. Buksan ang computer. Matapos nito ay buksan ang mailbox mo. Basahin ang mga email?mapabago man o luma. Buksan lahat ng pedeng buksang attachments, makakabuti ito sa pagpapatagal ng oras. O kaya naman ay mag-email ka sa mga kakilala mong matagal mo ng di nakakamusta. Kapag di ka pa nakuntento ay gawing chat ang email (ito ay sa kadahilanang banned na ang halos lahat ng messengers sa mga kompanya?pati google talk di pinalagpas, mga hayop na IT yan). Pano? Mag-email ka sa kakilala mong alam mong merong
access sa internet sa mga oras na yon tapos antayin ang reply?wholla! Instant chat session.
Sya nga pala, habang ginagawa ang mga nasa taas ay huwag makakalimot inumin ang kape..lalamig ito. 8:30-9:30

3. Matapos ang makabuluhag paggamit ng computer ay magdala ng mga papel-papel at magtungo sa kung saan mo man nais. Mas maganda kung mukha kang aborido hawak ang mga props mo habang papaalis ng lamesa, ito ay para sabihin ng bossing mo sampu ng kasamahan mo sa trabaho na busy ka lagi. Magtungo sa ibang department na me kakilala at makipag-usap ng kung anu-ano. 9:30-10:00

4. Tignan mo nga naman. Alas dies na! Break time na ulit! Pagkatapos mag-lamyerda sa ibang department ay magtungo ulit sa puwesto at ibaba ang mga scratch paper na props. Dalhin ang tasa sa pantry at magtimpla ulit ng panibagong kape, libre ang kape kaya magtimpla ka lang ng
magtimpla. Magtungo sa labas kung ikaw ay nag-yoyosi kung di naman ay manatili sa pantry at makipag-usap ka na lang sa mga tao doon. 10:00-10:15

5. Pagkatapos ng break ay bumalik sa lamesa at humarap sa computer (huwag ng magdala ng kape sa lamesa?tama na ang nainom mo, sisikmurain ka na sa sobrang gahaman). Tapos ka na sa mga emails mo, ngayon naman ay mag-internet ka na lang ng kung anik-anik. Pero bago mag-internet ay magbukas ka muna ng office document kahit wala kang balak gawin ang mga ito, makakatulong ang documentong ito mamya. Tapos ay mag-internet ka na. Paalala: dapat ay alerto ka sa mga tao sa paligid mo, kapag alam mong me padating pindutin ang ALT at TAB ng sabay. Ito ay para makapunta sa office document na binuksan mo kanina. Kung mabagal ang iyong reflexes ay dapat mabilis ka sa paggamit ng mouse para ma-click mo agad sa taskbar ung documentong nasabi. Kapag na-master mo na ang technique na ito ay di na mapapansin ng bossing mo na nag-iinternet ka lang sa mga oras na ito. 10:15-12:00

6. Tama na muna ang computer. Lunch break na! Alam mo na ang dapat gawin. 12:00-1:00

7. Pagkatapos kumain ay gawin ulit ang #5. Habang gingawa ito ay maglabas ulit ng mga scratch papers na para bang me hinahanap. Tandaan na dapat seryoso ang mukha mo habang gingawa ang mga ito (tip: ikunot ang noo para makakuha ng mukhang seryoso). 1:00-3:00

8. Break time na ulit. Ang bilis nga naman ng oras. Hala..punta na ulit sa pantry. Maaari ka na ulit mag-kape at makipag-chikahan. 3:00-3:15

9. Bumalik sa lamesa at guluhin ito sa pamamagitan ng paglabas ng sandamakmak na mga papel. Tapos ay gawin ulit and #5. Tignan ang oras sa computer mo. Kung 4:30 na ay simulan mo ng ayusin ang ginulong lamesa. Mag-ayos ayos ka na din ng sarili. Kung kasing kapal ng adobe ang
mukha mo ay magtungo ka ulit sa pantry para mag-kape (tandaan na dapat me kasama sa pantry) o kaya naman ay gawin ang #3. Matapos ang lahat ng ito ay umuwi ka na, para mo ng awa?wala ka na ngang silbi ay nangdadamay ka pa ng iba sa katamaran mo. 3:15-5:00

BABALA: Wag mong ipapabasa ito sa bossing mo kung ayaw mong mawalan ka ng trabaho.

They did not study (Soooo funny)

Hi, I would like to share to you a funny test answers my friend Claire found in http://www.scribd.com/ which she also shared to me. This is really funny. Hope you laugh out loud.

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People come into your life for a reason

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must re! alize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.


Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or! make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.!


LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to! accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.


Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Most Gorgeous Man Alive (Philippines)

Remember Mr. India, who was voted Most Gorgeous Man Alive?

And of course,We Pinoys won't give up easily without a fight, right?

Here's our bet, scroll down please….

ANO? EDI BUMILIB NANAMAN KAYO SA PINOY????

WALANG PINAG IBA, ANG GALING MO BROD!!GO PINOY, GO!!!

Just for laughs….

Guess watch?!

I thought Jay's ex-girlfriend was really out of our lives. But heaven
only goes that I was wrong. Kakakasal pa lang namin nun when Jay
received a uninamous text. "Meet me at the clinic." I had a stinking
feeling in my butt. I told him not to go. It might in danger him. Pero
sabi niya, ok lang daw because life is what we make. Tumahimik lang
ako. Sabi niya, "Penny for you talks." But I didn't know what to say.
Beggars can't be losers. Isa pa, worried talaga ako na baka yung girl
yun. Jay said, "Can't got your tongue?" I tried to smile at him. Kahit
di ako nagsalita, actions speak louder than works, di ba?

Be that as is may, umalis pa rin siya. I was out of the loophole.
After a few hours, I called him on his cellphone. But my calls fell on
Jeff's ears. Lalo akong nag-worry kasi I didn't even know Jeff. Sabi
na nga ba di na dapat umalis si Jay. That's what I'm talking about it.

So I tried calling some friends who will help me find Jay. That's what
friends are for naman di ba? But I just faced a blank mall. I had to
do this alone. Nag-taxi na lang ako. Pero ang mahal na pala ng plug
down rate.

When I got to the clinic, the security was really buffed up. Di
basta-basta makakapasok. So I said, "I beg your cordon. I'm patient.
It's my favorite virtue nga e." Nagduda yata yung isang guard.
Hinawakan ako sa arm. The nerd! I shouted, "Don't touch me not!" Buti
na lang the other guards were nice and said, "Come on, let's join us."

When I went inside, parang I've been there, done there. Nung walang
nakatingin, nag-explore ako. Nakarating ako sa top floor and I had a
bird's IQ of the clinic. I could not explain it but I was drawn to a
room on the floor. Siguro Divine Intermission na yun.

Parang may narinig akong umuungol. I was thorn. Di ko alam kung aalis
ba ako o papasukin ko. It made me stick in the stomach to think that
Jay and his ex-girlfriend were there. I tried to tell myself to slower
my expectations. But to tell with it! I had to strike while the iron
is not. I had to hear the truth from the corpse's mouth. I barraged
in. O my gas! Si Jay, naka-strap sa operating table, parang genie pig
sa isang nakakatakot na experiment. He was on the cutting edge. He was
bleeding. At ang doctor na nagpapahirap sa kanya, ang ex-girlfriend
niya at ang bago nitong boyfriend, ang nurse na si Walter. Doon ko
napatunayang blood is thicker than Walter.

Guess watch? Di ko alam kung paano ko nagawa pero I was able to search
and rescue Jay. Siguro adrenaline brush na yun.

Now, he's recovering. Nag-sorry siya na hindi siya nakinig sa akin. I
know it's a better pill to swallow your fried so it's forgive and
forget me not. All swell that end swell. I know we should kiss and put
on makeup.

Ang ex-girlfriend naman niya at si Walter, nakakulong na. Detention is
really better than cure. So the moral of the lesson is: if symptoms
persist, insult your doctor.

Inday Jokes

1.
Dear Sir/Madame:
Attached herewith is a list of proposed acquisition in line with my proposal to procure and purchase your household essentials. I have already made initial survey of current market prices. Note however that prices could vary depending on the prevailing exchange rate and aggregate supply and demand which I also monitor in ANC on a regular basis.

(Si inday, nagpapaalam para mamalengke. Ingleshera ang putah.)

2.
Amo: inday! Bakit may bukol si junior?!!
Inday: compromising safety with useless aesthetics, the not-so-well engineered architectural design of our kitchenlavatory inexorably affected the boy's cranium with a sligh boil at the left temple lobe near the auditory organamo: (nosebleed)

3.
Amo: "Inday! Bakit mo ibinenta yung sirang silya?!"
Inday: "I have computed the fair value less cost to sell, and the value in use using projections for five years and a pretax discount rat. Accordingly, the value in use is lower, so I decided to sell the chair. This is in accordance with PAS 18 on Revenue, PAS 16 on PPE, and PAS 36 on Impairment of Assets."

Amo: hinimatay! @.@

4.
“intense heat affected the conductor which is steel, causing the oriza sativa to change its state of color, odor as well as flavor”

(sagot ni inday ng tanungin ng amo kung bakit nasunog ang sinaing)

Interesting Aspects of World's 2nd Richest Man - Warren Buffet

Here are some life lessons from the World's 2nd richest man. This article inspires me a lot. So I keep my life as simple as possible yet striving to achieve excellence. Hope it'll inspire you too... :)

"I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God's Business"
There was a one hour interview on CNBC with Warren Buffet, the secondrichest man who has donated $31 billion to charity. Here are some veryinteresting aspects of his life:

1. He bought his first share at age 11 and he now regrets that he startedtoo late!

2. He bought a small farm at age 14 with savings from deliveringnewspapers.

3. Still lives in the same small 3-bedroom house in mid-town Omaha ,that he bought after he got married 50 years ago. He says that he haseverything he needs in th at house. His house does not have a wall or afence.

4. He drives his own car everywhere and does not have a driver orsecurity people around him.

5. He never travels by private jet, although he owns the world's largestprivate jet company.

6. His company, Berkshire Hathaway, owns 63 companies. He writes onlyone letter each year to the CEOs of these companies, giving them goals forthe year. He never holds meetings or calls them on a regular basis. He hasgiven his CEO's only two rules.

• Rule number 1: Do not lose any of your share holder's money.
• Rule number 2: Do not forget rule number 1.

7. He does not socialize with the high society crowd. His past timeafter he gets home is to make himself some pop corn and watch Television.

8. Bill Gates, the world's richest man met him for the first time only 5years ago. Bill Gates did not think he had anything in common with WarrenBuffet. So he had scheduled his meeting only for half hour. But when Gatesmet him, the meeting lasted for ten hours and Bill Gates became a devoteeof Warren Buffet.

9. Warren Buffet does not carry a cell phone, nor has a computer on hisdesk.
His advice to young people: "Stay away from credit cards and invest inyourself and Remember:

A. Money doesn't create man; it is the man who created money.
B. Live your life as simple as you are.
C. Don't do what others say, just listen to them, but do what you feel good.
D. Don't go for brand name; just wear those things in which u feelcomfortable.
E. Don't waste your money on unnecessary things; just spend on those whoreally are in need.
F. After all it' s your life; so why give chance to others to rule your life."

IQ Test (Part 2)

1. What driver doesn't have a license?

2. What has a neck, but no head?

3. What has one foot on each side and one in the middle?

4. If a child is spanked by his mother and by his father, who hurts the most?

5. What do people make that nobody can ever see?

6. What kind of table has no legs?

IQ Test

Question 1:

A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between two rooms.
The first room is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in three years.
Which room is safest for him?

Question 2:

A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

Question 3:

There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

Question 4:

What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

Question 5:

Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday?

Question 6:

This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

Bra Codes

AND, just a thought for all the women out there........
MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown,
MENopause............
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?.........And
When we have real trouble it's HISterectomy!!!!
Share this to all women to have a laugh AND, don't forget to have a mammogram!!!!!!

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!